Your 3 Ego States, and what they mean

Why This Post Matters:

Raising your self-awareness means you can make choices instead of just reacting.

An ego state is an operating mode.

It’s a way of thinking and acting that is consistent with itself.

Psychiatrist Eric Berne proposed that we have three ego states, or “operating modes,” that we switch between depending on the context:

Adult Ego State

The Adult ego state objectively appraises current reality and makes conscious choices. It’s not emotionally hijacked. It doesn’t engage in “motivating thinking”—which is just preference dressed up as logic.

We all think we’re operating here most of the time. If that were true, we wouldn’t need ego state work.

Parent Ego State

These states are modeled directly from our childhood observations of our parents. They come in two main expressions: nurturing (caring, supportive) and controlling (critical, restrictive).

Here’s how I define it:

You’re in a parenting ego state when you are either using or expressing care or authority.

Expressing care or authority means you’re tending to another’s needs or leading from a genuine sense of responsibility.
Using care or authority means you’re doing those same things for another reason—to control the outcome, to feel needed, or to stabilize something you don’t trust.

Some people default to parent ego states because they need to be needed. Others use care as a strategy to keep situations under control.

Child Ego State

The Child ego state is a collection of our earliest responses to the world—emotional imprints, conditioned reactions, and adaptations to authority.

Caution: Past ≠ Cause

I reject the idea that your present is caused by your past.

Much of therapy assumes otherwise. “What seems to be happening now—and what in your past might explain it?”

Two things:

The past isn’t the cause. It just looks like it is.
That’s good news—because you can’t change the past.

The cause of your current behavior is always a present purpose.

Your child ego state may have originated in the past, but it’s operating now because it’s still useful to you—often unconsciously.

So What’s the Point?

We slide into different ego states depending on what the situation seems to demand—and what worked for us in the past, or at least didn’t lead to disaster.

Parent Ego State Problems

When we’re in parent ego mode, we’re focused on others. This can be helpful or harmful depending on context.

Leaders often overuse parent ego states in two ways: caving and controlling.

Caving means taking on stress or discomfort that actually belongs to someone else.

→ Example: You carry sales pressure instead of letting the sales team hold it.

Controlling means bypassing someone’s chance to step up.

→ “I’ll just do it myself.” “They won’t get it.” “This has to be done fast.”

It’s fine to move quickly or ask for a favor—as long as you’re honest about it.

The problem is when you slip into a parent role and infantilize your team:

“I’m the only one who really gets it. I’ll think. You execute.”

That’s not leadership. That’s puppet-mastering.

You’re robbing the team of its greatest potential: collective insight.

Child Ego State Problems

Child ego states are also focused on others—specifically, on our vulnerability in relation to them.

When caregivers are reliable, children feel safe. They can be playful, expressive, and outcome-focused.

When caregivers are unreliable, children become vigilant. They develop strategies to manage exposure.

Here’s the key idea again:

Your childhood experience doesn’t determine your adult possibilities.
What determines your possibilities is what works for you now.

Even the most undeniable childhood patterns are only “true” in the sense that they justify your current habits.

Motivated Helplessness

Leaders and team members alike fall into child ego dysfunction through something I call motivated helplessness:

“I can’t.”
“This isn’t my strength.”
“I’m triggered.”
“I’m overwhelmed.”

Sometimes this is legitimate. If you genuinely can’t do something, accommodations are needed.

But often, we use helplessness as a way to avoid action.

It takes courage and self-awareness to tell the difference.

Motivated helplessness is rarely about capability.
It’s about comfort. We pretend to be small to avoid doing something hard.

Switching Ego States

Berne observed that we tend to switch ego states when there’s a payoff.

When angry, we might switch into the Parent state to gain perceived authority.
When other strategies fail, we might switch into the Child state—using vulnerability to influence outcomes.

This isn’t always manipulative. Sometimes depowering is a conscious strategy. It can shake someone loose from their stance. It can signal urgency or soften conflict.

But be aware:

Just because you have anger doesn’t mean you need to use anger.
Just because helplessness feels true doesn’t mean it is true.

Conclusion

We assume we’re operating from the Adult ego state.

That’s the goal.

But awareness begins when you see how subtly you fall into Parent or Child roles.

If you can spot one of those ego state shifts in just one setting this week—the game’s up.

Next time, you’ll see it sooner. You’ll choose more consciously.

And that’s the whole point.

Application

Find one point of friction or frustration in your leadership.

Now ask:

Am I trying to use power?
Or am I using powerlessness?
Where am I taking the wheel unnecessarily?
Where am I giving it up too quickly?
What could I do instead?

Then decide. That’s the work.

Much love and good luck out there. ❤️

– C